Extreme caution

barely there optimism: what I have now. Something has been brewing for a while now. It has occasionally percalated at times, threatening to spill over, but me, the consummate anal-retentive, always backed down for sake of order.

Funny thing, order. It can be defined many ways. But in my case, in my life as it is now, it means status quo. Everyone living, breathing. Subsisting. Not at all as it should be(order) but how it has been for so long, therefore what you have become used to( order).

Later, I may get into what has happened. I am so cautious that I don't even want to speak on it now.Well, any more than I have now.

Peace...to me and you

Ecclesiastes 7:21,22

Also, do not give your heart to all the words that people may speak, that you may not hear your servant calling down evil upon you. For your own heart well knows even many times that you, even you, have called down evil upon others.

What this means to me is that you can't put much stock in what others may say. How your day goes should not be dependent on other's moods or attention. Also, if you think about how many bad thoughts you have had towards people ( and may have even acted on them), you could lump yourself in with those same people that you claim that you can't stand. The whole one finger pointing, three pointing back at you thing.

I have read this scripture before, but it really resonates this week. I have had many conversations before with some of my slo-workers about allowing their personal differences effect their work performance. I really don't care about their work ethic, but when they are going through their "who is the scapegoat this week" they cause my hoverer to get involved and she is indiscriminant with her management lack-o-skills.

My hoverer hates confrontation, so when there is an issue that affects only one person, it becomes everyone's problem. I HATE that. Deal with the issue and leave me out of it. I barely don't talk to these people. I try to ignore the faux office politics. So, why do I have to be bothered by their inability to act as if they have 2 drops of sense? Who think that if someone did not say 'hi' within 0.25 seconds of coming into the office that person is hating them( and therefore they must hate on them)? Seriously, get your worth from some( where/one) else. Actually, find it within yourself, then it will be with you no matter where you go and who you are with.

I try to avoid listening, which would cause me to take these negative thoughts in my heart. And the heart is the seat of motivation, and I might be motivated to snap off on these people.

And this month I am working on being "peaceable towards all men".

Whoosa!

yesterday

Umm...yeah..didn't post yesterday. NOT because I didn't want to. I just had stalkers around me. Par usuale. I barely want to do this blogging thing anyway, and to have to do it on the sly is very irritating to me. Then again, maybe I am just using their overattentiveness as an excuse not to post. It's possible...

soooo...yesterday I:

1. Worked
2. Cooked
3. Slept

and today I:

1. Worked
2. Cooked
3. am about to go to sleep

I do so much yet I'm not doing anything close to what I want to do. What I want to do versus what I want to want to do versus what I do...do. Some of these things overlap. I'll go over that later.

Now I need to go give my SO their "due". Yipee!

*Twisting my own arm***

I will try verrrry hard to post here at least once a day. It will be like pulling teeth since by nature I am a verrrryyy private person. Even in this anonymous setting. Although this is only supposed to be for me. I still feel like I am revealing too much. And yet nothing at all.

It has been said by many people that to put out negative vibes, to even speak about negative things, opens yourself to more negativity. Then many other people say that it is not good to keep negative feelings to yourself. That everyone needs someone to vent to. I don't have anyone to do that. Also, I get tired of thinking about all my issues and problems. But I have a tendancy to hold stuff in and then * blow-up*. If only to myself. So-o-o--o--o, I am trying something new. To be as real as possible, true to myself.

If I find that I it is causing even more negative feelings, then I will stop blogging.

sigh.

OK, today's Sunday. I went to the meeting. It was a good talk. About children. At least I think it was about that. I was late. Could NOT find parking. Barely found a seat. The part I did get to hear was good. My children were listening, I am sure that they will forget what was said. I hope they will at least do one thing that the Brother mentioned, as I hope I can keep the enthusiasm I have when I first heard the suggestions he gave for helping make studying the bible interesting for them.

I'm trying to not feel defeated by not being able to do the things I know we( SO and I) are supposed to do for the kids, yet somehow we always fail to do. Best laid plans of mice and men, right?